Friday, October 8, 2010

Rhythmic Boxing Sans Rhythm

**WRITTEN 9/28/2010 I hit save instead of Publish**

Exercise and I will never be friends, it is the bane of my very existence. I hate it and everything it stands for. That being said, exercise is also a necessary evil. So I grumble, grouse, and swear about it, but I do it. I've seen no real results in my weight, but I have seen a marked improvement in my stamina and energy. I've done Couch to 5k for the last 12 weeks. In the interest of honesty I should say that instead of running, I rode a bike for the allotted running time when my knee started acting all, 'This bitch is crazy!' after the first 6 weeks in the program. Yes, I know the c25k program is only 9 weeks long but I did weeks 7, 8, and 9 twice because they kicked my ass mightily the first time, I wanted to drag out the experience a little more.

After I finished the c25k program I was nowhere near interested in ready to participate in a 5k, and not keen on doing the whole thing again, so I began looking for something else to do. I tried walking on the treadmill, riding the stationary bike, using the Sliding Machine of Torture (Total Gym), and absolutely nothing kept my interest. I know me, if I'm not interested in doing something, I won't keep doing it no matter how good it is for me. It's a nasty habit, but I've accepted it about myself.

I was looking into other fitness programs when I saw it sitting on the shelf. My old nemesis, the Wii Fit. It was watching me, tempting me, mocking me with its' white balance board. I pulled it out and scrounged up the games that go with it, so for the last few weeks I've tried getting back to quasi-friendly terms with my Wii Fit. It's a masochistic manifestation of my self-loathing. Surprisingly, I have found myself addicted to the damn thing and I use it three times a week for cardio and yoga for 45 minutes to an hour. The other three days that I work out, I use the treadmill, stationary bike, and Sliding Machine of Torture.

I don't know why I find it so addictive, I spend most of my time swearing at it. It's starts out with minor annoyance at needing to select my way through 85 different menu options but soon becomes a full blown rage when insulted by a fecking video game system every time I step on the balance board. The Wii Fit says "Oh!" when I step on it, I say "PHUUUUUUUUCK YOU" and it goes steadily down hill from there. I'm told rage burns calories so...

I bore you to death with that so I can humiliate myself and tell you this, I pulled a muscle in my left chesticular region while playing working out on the Wii Fit. I was moving along through my routine, I'd just completed an 'Island Run' and unlocked a new Running Game. When I saw that I hadn't yet played the Rhythmic Boxing game. Somewhere in my head there was a little voice telling me that this would end badly. That little voice reminded me of the ER trips because I have trouble walking and talking at the same time. I told that little voice to have a nice tall glass of shut-the-hell-up and I selected the boxing game. Part 1 of the tutorial was a lot of fun. A LOT! And I got the moves down pretty quickly so I decided to skip part 2 of the tutorial and go straight into the work out. The little voice I'd silenced earlier tried to show me the flaw in this plan, but I slapped it down and went about my business.

I moved through the basic work out easily, and I got a little more confident in myself. So I continued to box my way through the routine for another 15 minutes. When I unlocked the 'Extended Workout' I immediately might say cocky, but I say self confident. I was all,  'YES! I AM MADE OF AWESOME!' I selected the extended workout and I got a warning saying I should be wary of over doing it and that I had already worked out for 48 minutes, did I want to take a break?  I was like, "I don't need a break! I am awesome, and Wii Fit is about to be my bitch!" Pride goeth before the fall...ha.ha.ha.

I lasted through the first two combinations and then... I don't know exactly what happened. I don't know when I went from confident Rhythmic Boxer to Queen of the Spazmanian Devils. Maybe it was somewhere between the upper cut/jab/backward-step-off-the-balance-board and Right/Left/Right/Duck. I'll never know for sure. It's a mystery. All I know is I got a little confused, lost my balance, and when I stepped off the balance board it slid out from under my other foot and I managed not to fall. In the process of not falling and ascending to the throne of the Spazmanian Devil Dynasty I pulled a muscle in my chest, the left side. It's like a hot poker is being jabbed through my boob and coming out of my back. It hurts, so I bitch, but it's also a ridiculous injury so I laugh. HahahahahahaOW!

Wii Fit - 1 Me - 0

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